Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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