When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
