i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
