You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
