I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
