im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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