You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
