Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
