He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
