Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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