Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
