hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
