More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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