dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The best revenge is premature balding
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
