i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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