I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
