went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
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I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
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after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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