Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
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Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
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I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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