The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
