you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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