Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
