the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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