Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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