omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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