oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't judge my taste in strippers
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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