he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
