last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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