I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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