he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
