i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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