I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
