I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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