well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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