The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
