when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
