every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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