Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I touched a dick in church today
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
