Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
