I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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