I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
