Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
