oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
