Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I will be naked everywhere
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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