I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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