I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
