You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
