Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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