Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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