it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
