Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
