So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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