my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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