he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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