I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
