She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
