everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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