I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Hippo gnu deer
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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