i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
