Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
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Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm having to shit out rocks
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