don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
