I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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