"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
