Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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