It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
